Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
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My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
be careful
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.