Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
You Might Also Like
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.