Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
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When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”