Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
You Might Also Like
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.