why no one uses midhusbands
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Beware of the dog..
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.