Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
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For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.