Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
You Might Also Like
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I’d … I’d rather not.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[at the general store]
me: one general please
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you