why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers