Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

Does beer think about me too?

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh