Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
What the hell is going on?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*