Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
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My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I want this so bad
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
@funTweeters
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.