@BinyominS

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

You Might Also Like

@panmidwest

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

@Brentweets

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

@DzNuutz

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

@PhilLaysheO

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

@djdarrellripley

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

@SteveKoehler22

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

@miilkkk

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

@BGH70

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.