Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
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If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Yep.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No