Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

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HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually


[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back


Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems


Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.


If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?


Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!


Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.


Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…


Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.