HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
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Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….
The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.