“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
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Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
why I oughta
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner