Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
You Might Also Like
This came to me in a dream.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
#NoRestForTheWicked
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.