Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
You Might Also Like
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…