@MadisonCarly26

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

@DCpierson

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

@designersays

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

@Swishergirl24

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

@partlyfunny

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

@slimmy_shady

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

@Ndeshi_M

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

@UncleDuke1969

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.