Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
This is a true ally.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”