Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
We’re all getting idioter.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children