WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
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It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.