Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.