“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
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Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
this is the greatest thing ever
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.