Why soy sad?
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BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise