Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
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Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.