Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

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Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.


[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine


While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!


*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]


[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]


WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough


Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.


People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.


I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”


My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.