Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@t_cuppp

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

@squirrel74wkgn

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

@RyansGooch

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

@dmc1138

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

@LeBearGirdle

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

@LocalButtLiker

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

@SexySpainNights

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

@unravelingfire

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

@lovemydogduck

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

@amydillon

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.