Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
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‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.