Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
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My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
welp
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.