why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks