Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
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An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman