Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.