Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE