@imence2 Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
@dave_cactus Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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@imence2 
@SweetBlueNote This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
@GoodnightSanity My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
@metickleu Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
@jonnysun remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
@Cactuscali1991 Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
@KelFocker I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
@Lisa_Laughs_ I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
@lazerdoov OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
@pointsymmetric Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.