Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
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*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
hackers play passwordle
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.