why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
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a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself