why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
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My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.