found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.