“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
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[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?