Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
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2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.