Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
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Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.