DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
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I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies