why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
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i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.