why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
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“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
This week’s mood.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too