why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
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Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
😂😂
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.