Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
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“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.