Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
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Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.