Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
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Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”