Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
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Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator