WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
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[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Tell the colonel to bring it
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]