Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
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Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
When she checks her bank statement and go âwhat are these PlayStation Network chargesâ
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[approaching a person with a service dog whoâs wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? đ¤
Decided to stop saying âplease subscribeâ in my videos and itâs working. No new subscribers.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony đ´”]
âcanât you take a hint?â bro I donât even understand literal stuff
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. letâs see how this plays out
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didnât respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? Thatâs perfect. I actually need 4000 people
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas