Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
This is always good for a laugh.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.