Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.