Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
You Might Also Like
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.