Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
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art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Dolls on drugs
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?