why would tinder want me to say this
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If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*