“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
You Might Also Like
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Harsh but fair
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…