Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
You Might Also Like
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Had an epiphany today.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Alexa; make it look like an accident
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole