“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
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Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*