WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
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I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
my favorite genre of twitter
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*