“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Vodka burrito was a success
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.